I promise myself
- To put my own needs first
- To discipline myself to practising yoga, meditation and prayer
- To develop a loving, caring, healing relationship with myself
- To listen to my intuition and what the world is telling me
- To only take into my body and mind what is good and healthy for me and only what will bring in a positive or beneficial outcome (health, happiness, healing)
These are the 5 promises or vows that I have now made to myself… I feel like for a few years now or mainly most of my adult life so far but especially recently. I have been so uncentered and so lost…. I have been making the same stupid mistakes again and again and not actually learning anything from the same situation that keeps representing itself to me over and over.
The same game, going from toxic relationship and falling in love with someone that is so so wrong for me that it drains my energy and turns me into a person in which I am not. Then realising how bad this said person is for me but jumping straight to the next guy who gives me attention and letting him drain my energy some more, maybe even deep down knowing that he is not ‘the one’ but going along with it anyway because I am always seeking something … something more from life, something outside of myself to give me the love and attention in which I am craving.
After a long phone call to my sister the other day something she said has stuck with me…
“ You seem to just go with anyone who gives you attention, not minding whether they are good for you or not… you are just seeking attention all the time.” Said my youngest sister
Oh my goodness me… how this is true!!
I am seeking everything outside of myself to satisfy this need, this longing of love or to love and to be loved that I have.
Also all of my recent very short relationships (if we can call them that) have been with men from a completely different culture to my own… from completely different countries… every single one of them. Mostly due to me travelling around this crazy beautiful old world and being generally interested in mixing with ‘the locals,’ however probably going about it entirely the wrong way.
Another thing my youngest sister said to me was, “you have been going to relationship to relationship with guys from an extremely different culture than ours and non of them have actually treated you with the respect you deserve, why don’t you come home so we can protect you?”
wow… I mean shouldn’t it be me protecting her… By the way I have two younger sisters and we are all very protective over each other. However they are both living back home close to or with our family and leading relatively what you would call a ‘normal’ life and both have ‘proper jobs’ and boyfriends from the same country.
Maybe I am searching for something different within my life but instead of finding that from different people, I should be instead, finding this from the way I am living my life… I need to live my life in a different way… start a different routine.
It was something that one guest said to me the other day that created a strange feeling inside… she was herself a Reiki healer and said “ live your life whilst you have all of this freedom, until you get married, get a house and have children and that is when it will all change.”
I have toyed with this idea of marriage and children and no matter how much I try to convince myself that I like the idea of doing what everyone else in our society does…. I still do not like it. Really I do not see the need nor even want to conform to our society of same ness….. of routine and boring un-necessary traditions that don’t make sense to me right now in my life. However I can feel something much more beautiful and sacred is waiting out there for me to take action and actually start to become the person I have the potential to be.
So hence the 5 vows or promises above in which I have made to myself…
I feel as though the rose tinted windows in which where shading my eyes have now been shattered and I am finally able to see clearly where I have been going so very wrong for too long a time.
Instead of seeking love and attention from outside sources, it is time for me to find love from within myself, to give myself the respect and attention I have been waiting and searching for …
So here is the start of my new path
of self ness
of self love
of self care
Here is to being single and focusing all of my energy on loving myself and healing myself before giving love to another and letting them drain me….
Here is to being sober and not being influenced by outside sources that I need to get drunk to have fun…
Here is to a new start, a new day and most importantly …
A new me
So on this note I am going to make the promise to myself to have no more pointless romantic relationships, no more sex and no more alcohol for one year….
I know healing myself is a journey and will take longer than one year but also I know that I must discipline myself to this challenge in order for my life to change as it would be far to easy and tempting for me to jump right into another guys bed and get into another toxic relationship and go out and very easily hide away from all my problems by getting drunk and losing mind into the poisonous alcohol which `i have been drinking far too much of’. The reason for no sex also is because as much fun as I have had … it can drain me emotionally and physically and become very addictive… almost like a drug. Not that I would class myself as a sex addict but there have been times when I have done things that would make me question myself.
Here my journey begins…
healing, loving and nurturing myself
I am sharing this with you, to anyone out there who has been doing a similar thing to me… you are not on your own. Also to anyone who has already been through this please write to me…. share your advice
Thank you for reading